Sick of the Adorkable: An Open Letter From A Quirky Girl to Zooey Deschanel
thoughts on having a tattoo appointment.
there’s an appointment on the books. I’ve put down a deposit. I’m finally ready to get my next tattoo.
…or am I?
tl;dr yes, I am.
dear future beau,
I’m a big fan of stories. I always have been. I hope you are too. I have to know, will you read with me? will you read to me? and will you let me read to you?
chances are, I’m going to love the sound of your voice. you could read me the phone book and I’d still listen closely. chances are, you’ll be a fan of my voice too. I hope you’ll be patient as read out loud, as I nervously test reading in different voices, as I get far too into the story.
read to me. listen while I read to you. and one day, we’ll read to our kids together.
yours (even now),
Shelby
I knew this would happen.
it’s 2:22 am and I’m underwear-clad and scrolling through tumblr, just like the old days. I missed my devious time killer.
I have so many thoughts now. I’ve had so many thoughts since we last really spoke. I’ve seen things and cried (a lot) and smiled (a lot more) and been every mood under the sun. my hair is redder, my heart feels more loved, but I’m still pretty much the same height.
if it wasn’t the early morn’, if my head wasn’t swimming with midnight breakfast and poorly timed caffeine and a huge amount of love that just comes naturally on Easter (but sadly a deep hole for the family and friend-families I have been missing so severely lately), I’d clue you all in. unfortunately these thoughts have made my head too heavy and it’s quite the tiring job keeping it up. I promise I’ll bring you up to speed, though I have no idea whether it will come as a river or a creek.
just know that although lately I have had times where I’ve been the saddest I have ever been and known lonely like I never have before, my life is far too beautiful for those things to win out and I am joyful beyond compare.
ashes to ashes.
happy Mardi Gras, tumbloves. hope your day so far is a lot less dreary than the Chicago weather is. I wanted to check in as a quick hello/goodbye today as the last day before Lent.
thinking about what I wanted to give up, I tried to think honestly about in what I needed most to grow. where am I falling short consistently? honestly, one of my biggest faults is mindfulness. I am the queen of wandering through a day mindlessly and then, at the end of the day, having no idea what I had actually done.
Lent, then, is going to be a time for me to be more intentional and mindful of what I do. to that end, I’ll be giving up two different things. first, I am giving up kneelers when I’m in the chapel. it’ll be a small sacrifice, but to give up that little bit of comfort for the sake of more attentive prayer and to require mindfulness of where I sit in order to be courteous to others and to maintain my own prayerfulness will be a blessing. I’m also giving up tumblr.
no but seriously guys. I’m giving up tumblr.
I’m already dreading it. still, I know the mindless hours I waste on here over any given week. I know that they sometimes take the place of sleep, of homework, of responsibilities, of real life interactions with others. giving it up will mean taking a break from the people I truly enjoy on here, it will mean getting behind on memes… it will mean less time staring at pictures of Justin Vernon. it will be difficult, but it will be good. I’m aiming to replace tumblr not with other websites like facebook or even with my netflix queue, but with prayerful reading. I’m going to finish Tattoos on the Heart first, then I’m going to tackle Love and Responsibility.
so today I’ll be lurking around, then I’ll be away for 40 days. if you’re so inclined, pray for my Lenten experience and for those of others. if you aren’t, no sweat, see you soon.
it is okay that I don’t want to go out tonight.
it may not be okay that after a long week I need at least a full evening where I don’t see people to recuperate. it may not be okay that I’m going to miss the stroke of midnight turn to one of my good friend’s birthday. it may not be okay that I feel guilty for staying in even though that’s what I want to do. it may not be okay that I was incredibly impatient with my best friend today.
but it is okay that I don’t want to go out tonight.
guys, this is gonna sound dumb, but it’s true. go with it.
my heart just started hurting for no reason. something empty, something I’m missing, something giving me anxiety, something I can’t see. I wish I knew why.
not sure where it came from or how to stop it, I continued about my work day… but I happened to pop on some Bon Iver. seriously, it felt like a massage, like a hug, like a smile.
“Relax. Nothing is wrong.”
I have no idea why this music has this sort of effect on me. but thank goodness it does.
what even is my life?
I just laid in bed and cried while watching Bon Iver on SNL.
I laid and I cried and I thought. I thought about the fact that one of my biggest regrets is not seeing them while they were in Chicago. I thought about how much I loved their music. but I thought about what was really making me cry, not Justin’s lyrics or compositions. I thought about my realization that I can’t be around my best friend like I was before, that I’m not healthy enough to be friends with him in the way that he deserves, that I can’t be happy for his new relationship or sympathetic to his family troubles because I am too much of a mess. I thought about how much it scared me to talk to him about it and how I hate myself for feeling this way.
and then I thought, this moment will always have happened. it will always be true. forever I will have laid in bed and cried while watching a wonderful human being begrudgingly achieve the dream jof so many musicians. Justin Vernon, in all his aural incarnations but especially Bon Iver, will be the band of this time in my life. his music will drag me through my depression. its crescendos will make my heart swell when it feels shriveled. and dammit, his bearded face has yet to stop making me smile when I need it.
dear future beau,
I want to apologize now for all of the rainclouds that are going to drift in and settle over my head while we’re together. I wish I could give you a weather channel so that you could plan on when to bring your coat. unfortunately, there isn’t a meteorologist that I’ve found yet cunning enough to give me any sort of proper predictions. the clouds will come in without warning, they will come fast, and they will come in thick. I hate having rain on my face, and I’ll probably lash out at you or try and hide away. know that I don’t mean it, that it’s just the weather, that I am still madly in love with you. please don’t be afraid of the wind; please don’t be afraid of me. I can’t promise it’ll be worth it since I’m not even sure it’s worth it for me to be with me yet, but I can promise that I’ll love you more than you’ve ever seen here on earth.
yours (even now),
Shelby
dear future beau (where ever you may be)
if one day you happened to buy these, give one to me, and keep the other for yourself, I will fall more deeply in love with you than I already will be.
I also promise to pretend that we’re Wonder Twins and activate our powers at least once a week. (I’ll claim the form of a panda every time. hope you don’t mind.)
yours (even now),
Shelby
I never realized that one of the advantages of wearing a watch is comfort of hearing the ticking.
in other news, the weekend was a good one. lots of time alone, lots of time with friends. sure, the cute photographer never texted or called but I’m sensing it’s a blessing in disguise.
it’s nice to spend time in the lounge.
it’s nice to wear this shirt and not feel self-conscious because it’s baggy, but feel proud because I love the Caps.
it’s nice to be on my way to loving my hair again.
it’s nice to forget that I’m not wearing makeup, and not feel judged or unworthy because I’m not made up.
it’s nice to catch up on work.
it’s nice that, in spite of a lot of stormy shit in my life right, things are pretty beautiful.
it’s just nice.
tumbloves, I’m about two inches from getting a new tattoo that I shouldn’t spend money on. my peacock feather has been calling my name and I have the placement and the idea pretty damn solid in my mind. I won a little bit of money from an essay competition and I think I’m going to use some of it for a tattoo and put the rest away. I’m justifying going a bit crazy now because I’m not paying for housing, utilities, cable, or internet and so I can justify spending at least a little bit of what is coming in.
also, I’m an addict.
I shouldn’t have written my Write Club piece on tattoos. oh well. once that money gets deposited, I’ll be visiting Josh at Chicago Tattoo.
